He died five months ago. This morning I lit a yellow candle, played Roy Orbison (one of his favorites), and thought about him. How happy his mother must have been when he was born! His was not an easy childhood. His parents divorced when he was two and his mother died when he was five. Being raised by his grandparents and great-grandparents was no picnic. But he grew into a loving man and was a pretty good dad to me.
Today I tried talking to him for the first time since his death. That doesn’t come naturally to me for some reason (even though I regularly talk to friends who have gone before). Mostly I just thank God for him, for his long life, and for all he gave me.
This is my first big, long grief journey. Here is what I’ve learned so far:
It really does come in waves. I have felt these tears coming on for the last few days. I don’t cry much, but when I do, I spend time exploring it, drawing it out, and being thankful for it because it means that he is somehow still with me. It is good to feel. His memory is a blessing.
It’s ok to be ok with him dying. He was 91. He had dementia. He had been slowly dying for seven years, losing ability to care for himself and participate in living. I explored my guilt about not feeling bad that he died when he did, and have realized that it is ok.
Other griefs I feel are compounded because of my grief of him. All grief is bigger now.
I am a griever. We are all grievers. I did not pay much attention to that before. I was fortunate to have not felt such loss previously in my life. I am now more able to tune into the grief of others. Grief is huge. I have so much to learn.
I am becoming a better, more fully human being by experiencing this grief. I’m not judging others who haven’t experienced deep grief, and I realize I will have deeper griefs in my life. I am learning that grief changes me.
In being able to be with my grief, I am blessed. I have the luxury, time, safety and validation that is necessary to feel grief.
This is just the beginning, a bigger opportunity to learn and grow. I am deeply grateful.
May you be blessed on your grief journey. -- Merilynne
7/12/2021
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